So You Wanna Be A Stah?

So you wanna be a star, move to Hollywood, pursue your dreams?  Be an actor, a writer, a director?  Make money?  Make art?  Go to fabulous parties and meet fabulous people?

Well, this was/is my dream, too.  I only wish that someone would have told me exactly what I was getting into.

I moved to Hollywood in 1991.  I was a theater major in college, but wanted to pursue film directing.  The problem was, I had no idea how.  No matter where I looked or who I talked to or what I read, I couldn't seem to find a way in.  Finally, I got a tip.

A friend from college (Shawn Paper -- he's now an editor on the HBO show, "Girls") said he had been an extra on "Roseanne."   I asked him if I could be an extra, too.  He said that was easy.  He told me where to sign up and I did.  Soon I found myself wandering the corridors of the fake high schools from "Beverly Hills, 90210" and "The Wonder Years."  From this point on, my story gets messy and long, and to be perfectly honest with you, it's sort of dull.   You don't want to hear all of it.  And besides, how to be able to become a writer/director/actor is what this blog is going to be all about from now on, anyway.

I can hardly be called a star.  But somehow -- with varying degrees of success and with a lot of frustration, humiliation and setbacks -- I've been making a living as an actor/writer/director for sixteen years.  Along the way, I've seen a lot of people get hurt, crash and burn, give up, move home and not be able to fulfill their dreams.  And believe me, dear reader, I don't this to happen to you.

I want to make one thing clear:  I am not an expert, I do not want your money, I have never had a huge hit film, starred in a TV show, or gotten into Sundance.  But I do work, I do make money, and I do not to hold a day job.  And that, I am extremely proud of.  So hop on the bus, let's go for a ride, and I guarantee you that by the end of this journey you'll have a much clearer idea of how to make it in this weird, jaded, annoying and beautiful city we live and work in.

The next post will be about...dun dun dun dun....ACTING!

Is the Internet Good for Horror? Or Is It Just Me?

Is making B movies less fun now than it used to be?

When me and Jace first got a chance to write our first movie CROCODILE, it was exciting and cool but we also knew we were making a low budget film that we wouldn't get rich off of. So even back then we had slightly mixed feelings about it. But overall we were writing a movie that was going to be directed by Tobe Fucking Hooper and getting paid for it! We didn't worry about reviews or the nasty comments people would make about it on Bloody-Disgusting. As a matter of fact, I don't even know if there were horror websites back when we made it. There probably were, but we didn't know about them For the first 4-5 films we wrote that were produced, we weren't members of any horror scene and didn't care what our fellow writers and directors thought at all.

But then, in came the Internet. Stomping with loud boots and followed by a horde of fellow filmmakers, fans and journalists that we now think of as friends and peers. Being a part of a community was great -- but it was only around 2005 that we learned our little films were getting reviewed at all. We were, and still are, growing as writers. And it's during the writing of TOOLBOX MURDERS that we really started to get self-conscious. That we really started to worry about what "they" would think.

Since then I've become a director, and I've become more and more self-conscious about what other people think -- so much so that I don't even read the reviews any more. (Believe me, there are a lot of them. The bad ones hurt a lot more than the good ones make you feel good. It's also the bad ones that you remember.) Everyone has opinions: some smart, some dumb, some just a matter of preference. I just keep wondering whether or not putting yourself out there to be eviscerated online later makes the whole filmmaking process less fun than it used to be.

Don't get me wrong: I don't want to sound whiny. As far as I'm concerned, I have the best job on planet Earth -- but I am human, and I do worry and get down on myself. So what do you think? Does the world of online horror news and websites make it harder to do our jobs? Is this something that affects horror writers and directors more than people in other genres? Or do you delight in reading your imdb comments? Please let me know! As hypocritical as it sounds, your opinions do matter to me.

The Modern Drive-In

I miss drive-in theaters, in a kind of marginal nostalgic way. No. I never really liked seeing movies in a car. But the idea of it is sort of romantic.

But let's take a look at the way things are now. Instead of the drive-in, we have Netflix streaming. You can find any number of strange genre films that you didn't even know existed there. And much like drive-in fare, most of them aren't very good.

Now, let's look at the pros and cons of Netflix vs. the drive-ins.

1. Big screen. This goes to the old drive-in. No matter how big a plasma TV you have, it just ain't gonna compete with a real movie screen.
2. Sound. Gotta go with Netflix on this one. A tinny speaker stuck on your window mixed with the tinny sounds of many other speakers all around you does not equal 5.1.
3. Variety of films. Once more, Netflix without question -- and you can actually pick what you want.
4. Being in the great outdoors. Well, the drive-in wins this -- but I've never equated seeing movies with being in the great outdoors, so maybe this shouldn't even be a category.
5. Romantic potential. My TV is in my bedroom. The few times I've been able to get it on with a chick in a car, I'd wished I was in a bed. Is there any place more romantic than a bed? I don't think so. So, this one goes to Netflix.
6. Snack Bar. I'll give this one to the drive-in. When you're watching movies at home, you actually have to make popcorn -- which can be fun, but usually just involves putting a bag in a microwave for 90 seconds. And any drive-in would have more snack variety than my kitchen.
7. Social aspect. My TV is in my bedroom, so I only watch movies with Jace. I don't like having a TV in the living room because then it's always on, and no one talks when they come over to visit. For a drive-in, you'd have a bunch of people jammed into the car (but would you really want to talk during the movie?) Then there was always the possibility of going over to another car and visiting friends or meeting new people. Looks like the drive-in wins.
8. Audience reaction. Both suck. Maybe you can hear people screaming in other cars, but the odds are it's not from the movie (more likely, lack of lubrication).

So to wrap it all up, I like nostalgia as much as the next guy. I like convenience as much as the next guy, too. I do not think that the drive-in experience was the ideal movie experience at all, nor do I think that watching movies at home is the best. Movies are always best seen in a movie theater, where you do get audience reaction, you do have 5.1 sound, and you do have a big screen. Theaters are truly the land where dreams come true.

Waxing and Waning

Hi there, readers! Jace here, posting to our long-neglected blog.

I’m thinking about bikini waxes. There. I’ve said it. Brazilians, Playboys, landing strips, you name it – I’ve got them on my mind. And it has everything to do with NIGHT OF THE DEMONS.

Let me explain. There’s a scene toward the beginning of the movie where three of the female characters (including Bobbi Sue Luther's Suzanne, pictured above) drink and talk. The subject? Bikini waxing. Now, a very interesting thing happened when Adam and I finished the script and showed it to some of our fellow horror screenwriters. “It’s not realistic,” I heard. “Women don’t talk to each other that way. This scene shouldn’t even be in there.”

I heard the same criticism when we were editing: women don’t talk that way. I’ve gotten the comment from fans. Several critics have singled out the scene, saying the dialogue sounds like it was written by some horny and/or lonely guy fantasizing about how women talk. (I always laugh at that – after all, the last time I checked I had ovaries.)

You want to know the really interesting thing about these complaints? I’ve only heard them from men. Not a single woman has told me that the conversation was unrealistic. In fact, they tend to laugh with recognition.

Here's where I got the inspiration for the scene: in line at a frozen yogurt shop. Three young women in front of me – they had just graduated from high school – were comparing notes on the best place in my neighborhood to get a bikini wax. “The place I go is great,” one announced. “They don’t make you get on your hands and knees.” (Sorry, ladies – I eavesdropped hard, but missed the name of the salon. I’ll get back to you on that.)

Let me repeat: this conversation happened in line at a frozen yogurt shop.

I’d tell this to the guys who didn’t think the scene seemed real. “I’ve had conversations like these, too,” I’d insist. (Believe me, war stories get passed around.)

They’d look at me doubtfully, like maybe I’d been imagining the whole thing. Maybe I was just a lone weirdo who talked about…that. “Really?,” they’d ask. Then they’d shake their heads. “Nope. I just don’t buy it.”

It’s an odd thing sometimes, being a woman working in the male-dominated world of horror films. I’ve been the lone female at many a horror writer/director gathering, and I even once had a director say that I seemed “too nice to write horror.” But I have to say that few things have been as weird as having men insist to me that women just don’t talk that way – even when I’ve actually had the conversation we’re debating.

News flash: we know how we talk. There are lots of us who love horror passionately, who debate new releases and old classics with as much gusto as the guys – and more of us need to be writing and making horror films.

As for NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, check it out on October 19. Tell me what you think of the scene – if you’re a woman, have you had a similar conversation? If you’re a guy, do you believe it?

Oh, and if you know of a better pain reliever than aloe vera, let me in on the secret.

What have you been up to lately?

Thought I'd give you guys an update on how things are going for us professionally. The good news is, we are currently employed -- which these days is a cause for celebration. A while back we were hired to write a cool horror movie called HELLVIEW. It's a gory and suspenseful movie about....nah. I'm not going to spoil it.

I've also been finishing up post on FERTILE GROUND, a creepy little ghost story I made for After Dark. It's pretty good, and something very different from AUTOPSY and NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. Anyway, that should be coming out relatively soon as part of the After Dark Originals series. One cool thing about FERTILE GROUND is that it's a script that Jace and I wrote a while ago and never thought it would be made, even though we both loved it.

Hey, Jace here now. First post to this blog, and I figured this one was a good one to hijack halfway through. I'm really psyched about FERTILE GROUND -- the story idea sprang from an image I had and the female protagonist, Emily, is one near and dear to my heart. My fingers are crossed that some of you will like it as well!

Adam back. Look for NIGHT OF THE DEMONS in a theater near you on September 23rd. I can't wait for people to finally see that -- it's just pure horny-horror-party-punk rock fun, and it has the soundtrack of my dreams.

Other than this, we've just been speccing and pitching and all those wonderful things that go with trying to make a living in this crazy business.

Blood, guts and pussy,

Adam G

The Asia Argento Syndrome

When you move to Hollywood and try your hand at writing, directing or acting, one of the first things you'll find is that there is a truly strange barometer when it comes to what is and who are viewed as successful. The first movie that Jace and I ever were paid to write was CROCODILE, directed by Tobe Hooper. We weren't paid very much, and it was a rewrite -- but still, it was Tobe Hooper! We're talking the guy who directed TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, POLTERGEIST, FUNHOUSE, etc etc etc! I mean, who wouldn't view that as a great first gig?

The answer is, well, us. We were as proud as hell to be working with Tobe. We even thought the movie might turn out to be pretty good (it didn't, and that's partially our fault). But because of the low amount we were paid, we didn't feel like it was a "real" job. If you think this is one of the most mind-blowingly stupid things you've ever heard, you're right. And the lesson is, do not let Hollywood, what you read in websites and magazines, and what your friends think determine what you feel "success" means. Asia Argento didn't.

I think we can all agree on one thing: Asia Argento is hot. Those of us who watched her in her early Italian horror films all thought she was a goddess. Now, I don't know Asia. I don't know what she wanted her career path to be or if she's satisfied with where she is now. I only met her once, and that was briefly on the set of MOTHER OF TEARS. But it's very clear to me that when Asia was offered the keys to the kingdom, she said "no." After XXX, she was on the cover of Rolling Stone as the new "it" girl. She could've had it all: fame, lots of money, avoiding paparazzi, and all that other stuff that comes with being a rich and famous movie star. But it seems very clear that she didn't want that -- she had her own path and her own view of what success is.

I've known lots of people that I thought could've been huge in movies. A chick I went to college with, Carol Oldham, was a good actress and absolutely gorgeous, and I was pretty sure that if she were to move here and start auditioning she could have made it pretty big. However, Carol decided to do small theater projects and work for the Sierra Club -- that's where her priorities were, and she should be applauded for it. There's many more out there like her.

So please, if you're doing something creative and it makes you happy, enjoy that. Whether you're Cree Creepersin, who makes cool little ultra-low budget indies, or Neil Marshall, it is up to you to determine what you define as success. If you want more, go for it. If you're happy with where you are, or want to change directions altogether, it's up to you and nobody else.

The Times, They Are A'Changing

So I've never been much of a Bob Dylan fan (always more of a Misfits and Motorhead kind of guy), but truer cannot be spoken for the state of horror films. Times are tough but far from hopeless. In the next couple of weeks, I'll be writing a lot about how we can still make our scary celluloid dreams come true. But for now, I'd like to say a few words about love.

Me and Jace have been hitched for about eight months now -- and I can happily report that it has made no difference whatsoever in our relationship. I still love her so much, and she's still my best friend. We're still writing horror movies together. I thought I would post our wedding vows for your amusement and as a sign of hope for good things to come. So here's what was spoken during the "I do" part of our wedding. Enjoy.

Jace, if Adam tells you he needs his own space, do you promise not to stalk him relentlessly and boil Goblin in a big pot to gain his attention? Do you pledge that, if you and Adam stumble upon the secret headquarters of a French group devoted to discovering the secrets of the afterlife, you will not insist on spending the night there, thus allowing the turban-wearing elderly Frenchwoman leader of said group to arrive and strip all of Adam’s skin off of his body? Do you promise that you will always get a bigger boat? Do you promise that, even if a group of women tell you that the underpass is always safer than the street, that you will not use the underpass?

Adam, should Jace break her promise and use the underpass and something vile and unwatchable happens to her for eight and a half minutes, do you promise not to go to the nearest gay leather bar and bash in a random stranger’s head with a fire extinguisher? Do you promise not to chain Jace to the bed and break her ankles with a hammer if she stops working on a script? Finally, no matter how sweet and convincing the old couple next door is, do you promise not to let them conjure the devil and impregnate Jace to further your directing career?