The Modern Drive-In

I miss drive-in theaters, in a kind of marginal nostalgic way. No. I never really liked seeing movies in a car. But the idea of it is sort of romantic.

But let's take a look at the way things are now. Instead of the drive-in, we have Netflix streaming. You can find any number of strange genre films that you didn't even know existed there. And much like drive-in fare, most of them aren't very good.

Now, let's look at the pros and cons of Netflix vs. the drive-ins.

1. Big screen. This goes to the old drive-in. No matter how big a plasma TV you have, it just ain't gonna compete with a real movie screen.
2. Sound. Gotta go with Netflix on this one. A tinny speaker stuck on your window mixed with the tinny sounds of many other speakers all around you does not equal 5.1.
3. Variety of films. Once more, Netflix without question -- and you can actually pick what you want.
4. Being in the great outdoors. Well, the drive-in wins this -- but I've never equated seeing movies with being in the great outdoors, so maybe this shouldn't even be a category.
5. Romantic potential. My TV is in my bedroom. The few times I've been able to get it on with a chick in a car, I'd wished I was in a bed. Is there any place more romantic than a bed? I don't think so. So, this one goes to Netflix.
6. Snack Bar. I'll give this one to the drive-in. When you're watching movies at home, you actually have to make popcorn -- which can be fun, but usually just involves putting a bag in a microwave for 90 seconds. And any drive-in would have more snack variety than my kitchen.
7. Social aspect. My TV is in my bedroom, so I only watch movies with Jace. I don't like having a TV in the living room because then it's always on, and no one talks when they come over to visit. For a drive-in, you'd have a bunch of people jammed into the car (but would you really want to talk during the movie?) Then there was always the possibility of going over to another car and visiting friends or meeting new people. Looks like the drive-in wins.
8. Audience reaction. Both suck. Maybe you can hear people screaming in other cars, but the odds are it's not from the movie (more likely, lack of lubrication).

So to wrap it all up, I like nostalgia as much as the next guy. I like convenience as much as the next guy, too. I do not think that the drive-in experience was the ideal movie experience at all, nor do I think that watching movies at home is the best. Movies are always best seen in a movie theater, where you do get audience reaction, you do have 5.1 sound, and you do have a big screen. Theaters are truly the land where dreams come true.

Waxing and Waning

Hi there, readers! Jace here, posting to our long-neglected blog.

I’m thinking about bikini waxes. There. I’ve said it. Brazilians, Playboys, landing strips, you name it – I’ve got them on my mind. And it has everything to do with NIGHT OF THE DEMONS.

Let me explain. There’s a scene toward the beginning of the movie where three of the female characters (including Bobbi Sue Luther's Suzanne, pictured above) drink and talk. The subject? Bikini waxing. Now, a very interesting thing happened when Adam and I finished the script and showed it to some of our fellow horror screenwriters. “It’s not realistic,” I heard. “Women don’t talk to each other that way. This scene shouldn’t even be in there.”

I heard the same criticism when we were editing: women don’t talk that way. I’ve gotten the comment from fans. Several critics have singled out the scene, saying the dialogue sounds like it was written by some horny and/or lonely guy fantasizing about how women talk. (I always laugh at that – after all, the last time I checked I had ovaries.)

You want to know the really interesting thing about these complaints? I’ve only heard them from men. Not a single woman has told me that the conversation was unrealistic. In fact, they tend to laugh with recognition.

Here's where I got the inspiration for the scene: in line at a frozen yogurt shop. Three young women in front of me – they had just graduated from high school – were comparing notes on the best place in my neighborhood to get a bikini wax. “The place I go is great,” one announced. “They don’t make you get on your hands and knees.” (Sorry, ladies – I eavesdropped hard, but missed the name of the salon. I’ll get back to you on that.)

Let me repeat: this conversation happened in line at a frozen yogurt shop.

I’d tell this to the guys who didn’t think the scene seemed real. “I’ve had conversations like these, too,” I’d insist. (Believe me, war stories get passed around.)

They’d look at me doubtfully, like maybe I’d been imagining the whole thing. Maybe I was just a lone weirdo who talked about…that. “Really?,” they’d ask. Then they’d shake their heads. “Nope. I just don’t buy it.”

It’s an odd thing sometimes, being a woman working in the male-dominated world of horror films. I’ve been the lone female at many a horror writer/director gathering, and I even once had a director say that I seemed “too nice to write horror.” But I have to say that few things have been as weird as having men insist to me that women just don’t talk that way – even when I’ve actually had the conversation we’re debating.

News flash: we know how we talk. There are lots of us who love horror passionately, who debate new releases and old classics with as much gusto as the guys – and more of us need to be writing and making horror films.

As for NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, check it out on October 19. Tell me what you think of the scene – if you’re a woman, have you had a similar conversation? If you’re a guy, do you believe it?

Oh, and if you know of a better pain reliever than aloe vera, let me in on the secret.

What have you been up to lately?

Thought I'd give you guys an update on how things are going for us professionally. The good news is, we are currently employed -- which these days is a cause for celebration. A while back we were hired to write a cool horror movie called HELLVIEW. It's a gory and suspenseful movie about....nah. I'm not going to spoil it.

I've also been finishing up post on FERTILE GROUND, a creepy little ghost story I made for After Dark. It's pretty good, and something very different from AUTOPSY and NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. Anyway, that should be coming out relatively soon as part of the After Dark Originals series. One cool thing about FERTILE GROUND is that it's a script that Jace and I wrote a while ago and never thought it would be made, even though we both loved it.

Hey, Jace here now. First post to this blog, and I figured this one was a good one to hijack halfway through. I'm really psyched about FERTILE GROUND -- the story idea sprang from an image I had and the female protagonist, Emily, is one near and dear to my heart. My fingers are crossed that some of you will like it as well!

Adam back. Look for NIGHT OF THE DEMONS in a theater near you on September 23rd. I can't wait for people to finally see that -- it's just pure horny-horror-party-punk rock fun, and it has the soundtrack of my dreams.

Other than this, we've just been speccing and pitching and all those wonderful things that go with trying to make a living in this crazy business.

Blood, guts and pussy,

Adam G

The Asia Argento Syndrome

When you move to Hollywood and try your hand at writing, directing or acting, one of the first things you'll find is that there is a truly strange barometer when it comes to what is and who are viewed as successful. The first movie that Jace and I ever were paid to write was CROCODILE, directed by Tobe Hooper. We weren't paid very much, and it was a rewrite -- but still, it was Tobe Hooper! We're talking the guy who directed TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, POLTERGEIST, FUNHOUSE, etc etc etc! I mean, who wouldn't view that as a great first gig?

The answer is, well, us. We were as proud as hell to be working with Tobe. We even thought the movie might turn out to be pretty good (it didn't, and that's partially our fault). But because of the low amount we were paid, we didn't feel like it was a "real" job. If you think this is one of the most mind-blowingly stupid things you've ever heard, you're right. And the lesson is, do not let Hollywood, what you read in websites and magazines, and what your friends think determine what you feel "success" means. Asia Argento didn't.

I think we can all agree on one thing: Asia Argento is hot. Those of us who watched her in her early Italian horror films all thought she was a goddess. Now, I don't know Asia. I don't know what she wanted her career path to be or if she's satisfied with where she is now. I only met her once, and that was briefly on the set of MOTHER OF TEARS. But it's very clear to me that when Asia was offered the keys to the kingdom, she said "no." After XXX, she was on the cover of Rolling Stone as the new "it" girl. She could've had it all: fame, lots of money, avoiding paparazzi, and all that other stuff that comes with being a rich and famous movie star. But it seems very clear that she didn't want that -- she had her own path and her own view of what success is.

I've known lots of people that I thought could've been huge in movies. A chick I went to college with, Carol Oldham, was a good actress and absolutely gorgeous, and I was pretty sure that if she were to move here and start auditioning she could have made it pretty big. However, Carol decided to do small theater projects and work for the Sierra Club -- that's where her priorities were, and she should be applauded for it. There's many more out there like her.

So please, if you're doing something creative and it makes you happy, enjoy that. Whether you're Cree Creepersin, who makes cool little ultra-low budget indies, or Neil Marshall, it is up to you to determine what you define as success. If you want more, go for it. If you're happy with where you are, or want to change directions altogether, it's up to you and nobody else.

The Times, They Are A'Changing

So I've never been much of a Bob Dylan fan (always more of a Misfits and Motorhead kind of guy), but truer cannot be spoken for the state of horror films. Times are tough but far from hopeless. In the next couple of weeks, I'll be writing a lot about how we can still make our scary celluloid dreams come true. But for now, I'd like to say a few words about love.

Me and Jace have been hitched for about eight months now -- and I can happily report that it has made no difference whatsoever in our relationship. I still love her so much, and she's still my best friend. We're still writing horror movies together. I thought I would post our wedding vows for your amusement and as a sign of hope for good things to come. So here's what was spoken during the "I do" part of our wedding. Enjoy.

Jace, if Adam tells you he needs his own space, do you promise not to stalk him relentlessly and boil Goblin in a big pot to gain his attention? Do you pledge that, if you and Adam stumble upon the secret headquarters of a French group devoted to discovering the secrets of the afterlife, you will not insist on spending the night there, thus allowing the turban-wearing elderly Frenchwoman leader of said group to arrive and strip all of Adam’s skin off of his body? Do you promise that you will always get a bigger boat? Do you promise that, even if a group of women tell you that the underpass is always safer than the street, that you will not use the underpass?

Adam, should Jace break her promise and use the underpass and something vile and unwatchable happens to her for eight and a half minutes, do you promise not to go to the nearest gay leather bar and bash in a random stranger’s head with a fire extinguisher? Do you promise not to chain Jace to the bed and break her ankles with a hammer if she stops working on a script? Finally, no matter how sweet and convincing the old couple next door is, do you promise not to let them conjure the devil and impregnate Jace to further your directing career?

The Test

Guys, Women & Horror: How to Find the Right Chick For You

First of all, let me admit: when it comes to finding a girlfriend, I am not an expert.  Before I met Jace, I was on a long dry spell -- literally years in the desert.  So, keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that this blog is written entirely from a guy's point of view, let me continue.  (I'm sure Jace will write her own blog to rebuke what I'm about to say.)

Growing up, I didn't know too many chicks that were into horror, blood, guts, movies by David Cronenberg, George Romero, etc.  I distinctly remember one time after hanging a poster of a mangled, burned-up Jason Voorhees on my wall, a friend of mine came over and said this would send the wrong message to girls -- and they would probably run screaming from my apartment (if I ever got them there.)  I took this bit of advice perhaps a bit too seriously, failing to realize that any girl that was so turned off by a poster on my wall that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me was not the girl for me.  

So as I grew older, I decided that if any girl was going to tolerate me for any length of time, they would at the very least have to tolerate my aesthetics.  I devised a plan.  On me and Jace's first date, I showed her a scene from "Legend of the Demon Womb" -- the one with the Nazi rape machine.  Maybe it was because Jace really liked me, maybe it was because it was a cartoon, but she didn't run screaming from my apartment.  And now, 14 years later, we are still together and actually finally getting married.  

Since then I have refined the test.  My advice is, if you like a girl and you think she likes you, show her a double feature of "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Irreversible."  If she's still sitting next to you when the credits roll at the end/beginning of "Irreversible," you can rest assured that she is the chick for you.

I know some of you are going to feel this is too harsh an initiation -- and it is.  Maybe you think you should start her on something softer like "Rosemary's Baby" or even "Dead Alive."  But no -- with that approach, it could take years to build up your potential mate's tolerance.  I say unload both barrels: give her the darkest shit possible.  You'll figure out pretty quick if she's the one.

P.S.  Following this advice probably only has a 25% chance of getting you arrested -- but trust me, it's the way to go.

Blood, guts & pussy,

Adam G

Me and Horror, Part One

When did I start liking horror?  That's a hard question to answer.  My guess is I was probably about 4 years old and living in Tallahassee, Florida when I (or my parents, I don't remember) turned on the TV and there was this guy in a shiny silver suit battling a fierce-looking lumpy reptilian creature.  It was about the coolest thing I'd ever seen.  The show was "Ultra-Man," and I fell in love with it immediately.  

Now, I never much liked the silver suit dude -- but those creatures he fought, woo boy!  Boy, I always hoped he'd get his chrome-plated ass handed to him by those cool monsters.  He never did.  It's still a fact I regret to this very day.

Well, anyway -- Ultra Man led to Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Gamra, Gidra and the Smog Monster.  I could not get enough of those Japanese men in suit movies.  And as a kid, I loved the way they kept upping the ante on these movies.  DESTROY ALL MONSTERS was like the ultimate multiple orgasm.  From then on, I'd watch anything with a monster in it.  My choices were limited to what played on TV, but fortunately once my family moved to Ithaca, New York we started to get Channel 11 WPIX -- and they showed a lot of cool 50s monster movies.  I loved REPTILICUS (having seen it recently, I really don't know why.)  But my favorites were THE DEADLY MANTIS and TARANTULA.

A few years later, I discovered the magazine "Famous Monsters of Filmland."  I thought it was so cool, but didn't particularly like the jokey captions underneath the photos.  (I took my monsters seriously.)  Needless to say, my parents didn't much like my taste.  See, I come from a fairly academic family -- my dad's an astronomer/astrophysicist, and my mom's a shrink.  And I'm sure it was my mom who seemed to think that my love of ugly creatures had something to do with my self-image and self-worth.  Aw, fuck that.  I love my mom, but my inner reasons for liking these kinds of things have always been mysterious to me -- and I prefer not to analyze.  Some people like pretty things and cute and fluffy bunny rabbits, but I liked lizards, snakes and monsters -- and I never really thought twice about it.

So I kept watching these movies, kept finding new favorites, and found some that were too damn scary for me to cope with.  HORROR EXPRESS traumatized me -- I had bad dreams about blood and fluids running out of eyeballs for years.  I probably haven't seen that movie since I was ten or eleven, but at that point it was the most horrifying, scary and traumatizing movie I'd ever watched.  

The next turning point came when one day in 1979 I went to Mayer's Smoke Shop (our local magazine store) to get the new issue of "Famous Monsters."  I bent down on my hands and knees (they always put these on the lower shelves) and started searching, when -- holy shit!  I found a new magazine.  One that would alter my life completely.  It was "Fangoria" Issue Number One, and I'd found my people.  I knew then that I wanted to direct horror films someday.  I devoured every issue of Fango -- I distinctly remember reading the same article with John Landis in it about AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON ten times before I got bored of it.  

Hold on, I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  It was Fangoria that got me to go see FRIDAY THE 13th when it came out in theaters.  For all my love of giant monsters and everything else, I'd never really seen one of these movies in a theater -- and let's just say I wasn't emotionally prepared.  When the kid leaped out of the water and grabbed the chick in the canoe, I was so startled it felt like I had died.  (My dad didn't really like this either -- the movie was rated R and, being a good father, he was my guardian that night.)  I shook for three days.

In 7th grade my friend Jonathan and I made our own horror movie.  We called it THE LAWN CHAIR MASSACRE.  We shot it on Super 8 (of course) and it consisted of us crudely trying to emulate those Tom Savini blood tube gags on Jonathan's sister's friends.  We never developed the film.  My next magnum opus was an 8th grade school project.  I conned my teachers into letting me "write" (ie, made up as I went along) and direct an originally titled slasher film, FRENZY.  I did this completely unaware of the '72 Hitchcock film.  Ah, youth.  I even did a cool stop motion title sequence using chalk, a blackboard and some red food coloring.  (That film somehow never got developed, either.)  I think I passed the project on enthusiasm alone.  If either Jonathan Kramnick or Matt (I think that was his name) have these films, please let me know.

Soon, names like "Romero," "Carpenter," "Hooper," and "Cronenberg" were as familiar to me as the names of my friends and family.  As a matter of fact, these directors whom I had never met or corresponded with felt like family.  And in a lot of ways (while it's much more complicated now), they still do.

After I graduated from high school, I went to Bennington College, where I entered my arty stage.  I started listening to a lot of Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat, and The Misfits and reading William Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, Jim Carroll and Hubert Selby, Jr.  I still saw all of the horror movies I could and majored in drama, still hoping to direct them someday -- but I have to admit that at this time I was more interested in taking drugs, listening to punk rock and trying to get laid.  This would all change when I moved to Los Angeles...TO BE CONTINUED

Blood, guts & pussy,

Adam G