First of all, let me admit: when it comes to finding a girlfriend, I am not an expert. Before I met Jace, I was on a long dry spell -- literally years in the desert. So, keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that this blog is written entirely from a guy's point of view, let me continue. (I'm sure Jace will write her own blog to rebuke what I'm about to say.)
Growing up, I didn't know too many chicks that were into horror, blood, guts, movies by David Cronenberg, George Romero, etc. I distinctly remember one time after hanging a poster of a mangled, burned-up Jason Voorhees on my wall, a friend of mine came over and said this would send the wrong message to girls -- and they would probably run screaming from my apartment (if I ever got them there.) I took this bit of advice perhaps a bit too seriously, failing to realize that any girl that was so turned off by a poster on my wall that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me was not the girl for me.
So as I grew older, I decided that if any girl was going to tolerate me for any length of time, they would at the very least have to tolerate my aesthetics. I devised a plan. On me and Jace's first date, I showed her a scene from "Legend of the Demon Womb" -- the one with the Nazi rape machine. Maybe it was because Jace really liked me, maybe it was because it was a cartoon, but she didn't run screaming from my apartment. And now, 14 years later, we are still together and actually finally getting married.
Since then I have refined the test. My advice is, if you like a girl and you think she likes you, show her a double feature of "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Irreversible." If she's still sitting next to you when the credits roll at the end/beginning of "Irreversible," you can rest assured that she is the chick for you.
I know some of you are going to feel this is too harsh an initiation -- and it is. Maybe you think you should start her on something softer like "Rosemary's Baby" or even "Dead Alive." But no -- with that approach, it could take years to build up your potential mate's tolerance. I say unload both barrels: give her the darkest shit possible. You'll figure out pretty quick if she's the one.
P.S. Following this advice probably only has a 25% chance of getting you arrested -- but trust me, it's the way to go.
Blood, guts & pussy,
Adam G
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