Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Test

Guys, Women & Horror: How to Find the Right Chick For You

First of all, let me admit: when it comes to finding a girlfriend, I am not an expert.  Before I met Jace, I was on a long dry spell -- literally years in the desert.  So, keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that this blog is written entirely from a guy's point of view, let me continue.  (I'm sure Jace will write her own blog to rebuke what I'm about to say.)

Growing up, I didn't know too many chicks that were into horror, blood, guts, movies by David Cronenberg, George Romero, etc.  I distinctly remember one time after hanging a poster of a mangled, burned-up Jason Voorhees on my wall, a friend of mine came over and said this would send the wrong message to girls -- and they would probably run screaming from my apartment (if I ever got them there.)  I took this bit of advice perhaps a bit too seriously, failing to realize that any girl that was so turned off by a poster on my wall that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me was not the girl for me.  

So as I grew older, I decided that if any girl was going to tolerate me for any length of time, they would at the very least have to tolerate my aesthetics.  I devised a plan.  On me and Jace's first date, I showed her a scene from "Legend of the Demon Womb" -- the one with the Nazi rape machine.  Maybe it was because Jace really liked me, maybe it was because it was a cartoon, but she didn't run screaming from my apartment.  And now, 14 years later, we are still together and actually finally getting married.  

Since then I have refined the test.  My advice is, if you like a girl and you think she likes you, show her a double feature of "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Irreversible."  If she's still sitting next to you when the credits roll at the end/beginning of "Irreversible," you can rest assured that she is the chick for you.

I know some of you are going to feel this is too harsh an initiation -- and it is.  Maybe you think you should start her on something softer like "Rosemary's Baby" or even "Dead Alive."  But no -- with that approach, it could take years to build up your potential mate's tolerance.  I say unload both barrels: give her the darkest shit possible.  You'll figure out pretty quick if she's the one.

P.S.  Following this advice probably only has a 25% chance of getting you arrested -- but trust me, it's the way to go.

Blood, guts & pussy,

Adam G