Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Test

Guys, Women & Horror: How to Find the Right Chick For You

First of all, let me admit: when it comes to finding a girlfriend, I am not an expert.  Before I met Jace, I was on a long dry spell -- literally years in the desert.  So, keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that this blog is written entirely from a guy's point of view, let me continue.  (I'm sure Jace will write her own blog to rebuke what I'm about to say.)

Growing up, I didn't know too many chicks that were into horror, blood, guts, movies by David Cronenberg, George Romero, etc.  I distinctly remember one time after hanging a poster of a mangled, burned-up Jason Voorhees on my wall, a friend of mine came over and said this would send the wrong message to girls -- and they would probably run screaming from my apartment (if I ever got them there.)  I took this bit of advice perhaps a bit too seriously, failing to realize that any girl that was so turned off by a poster on my wall that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me was not the girl for me.  

So as I grew older, I decided that if any girl was going to tolerate me for any length of time, they would at the very least have to tolerate my aesthetics.  I devised a plan.  On me and Jace's first date, I showed her a scene from "Legend of the Demon Womb" -- the one with the Nazi rape machine.  Maybe it was because Jace really liked me, maybe it was because it was a cartoon, but she didn't run screaming from my apartment.  And now, 14 years later, we are still together and actually finally getting married.  

Since then I have refined the test.  My advice is, if you like a girl and you think she likes you, show her a double feature of "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Irreversible."  If she's still sitting next to you when the credits roll at the end/beginning of "Irreversible," you can rest assured that she is the chick for you.

I know some of you are going to feel this is too harsh an initiation -- and it is.  Maybe you think you should start her on something softer like "Rosemary's Baby" or even "Dead Alive."  But no -- with that approach, it could take years to build up your potential mate's tolerance.  I say unload both barrels: give her the darkest shit possible.  You'll figure out pretty quick if she's the one.

P.S.  Following this advice probably only has a 25% chance of getting you arrested -- but trust me, it's the way to go.

Blood, guts & pussy,

Adam G


  1. >>and actually finally getting married

    What?! Is that really real?
    So great, my best wishes to you.
    When will it happen by the way?

    Actually, as for my experience with movies and chicks, once I showed her (I thought she was 'my' chick!) both "Heaven's Gate" (the extended 219mins cut!) and "Once Upon a Time in America" (the European version, of course!) one after the other. Well, maybe I didn't consider the total length, but when the double screening was over, she didn't leave me, but she simply killed herself, maybe for not killing me (oh yeah, she really loved me!).

    Take care, folks.

    Roberto aka Fontina Boy

  2. Dig the honesty. Everything is true, folks. Adam is the real deal. And Adam, I gotta say for the record and for all: Thank you for all your help and support back in the day. As the history is written one can see who the angels were. Thank you and congratulations on your work and success.

    Stinky Ruins
    Oslo, Norway

  3. All right, I'll admit it. This post actually brought a tear to my eye. Who knew nazi-rape machines were so... romantic?

    I think there's an horror/lovestory here. The first splatter/feelgood film. A chick flick with disembowelment and the living dead.

    I mean... it's all about mixing genres. No?

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  5. Oh my god what a horror movie this is! My hart is still locked!I like this type of horror movie.
    I am looking for this type of movie for few days.
    Thank you for your nice blog post.
    I am really happy to see your blog.
    Best of luck to you.
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